50 ways to annoy Lancelot
by Princessa Guinevere
Summary: Yup, I saw it and I wanted a crack at the whip. Enjoy. I really despise this guy. WARNINGS- Slash Lancelot/Uther, Gwen bashing, implied Arthur/Merlin, Arthur/Lancelot, Merlin/Lancelot, Lancelot/Gwen.


Ways to annoy Lancelot.

Dye his hair blonde. Then tell him 'Now you look more like Arthur, Gwen might like you better.'

When he says to Merlin 'Up to your old tricks again?' Say rather loudly, ideally with Merlin in earshot, 'Oh yeah, he's still giving his loving to Arthur...'

Tell him Uther changed the laws of Camelot, so he can be a knight. When he gets excited, say 'Oh wait...NO he didn't!'

When Merlin is talking to him, say loudly to him, 'Arthur taught him everything he knows.' Refuse to elaborate.

When he's looking at Gwen, wolf whistle loudly and then innocently walk away. Watch Gwen's face and when he tries to defend himself, say 'I saw him do it!'

Repeat with any members, e.g. Arthur, Merlin, Morgana, Gaius etc.

'Are you a knight yet?' Constantly ask him, ideally within earshot of Arthur, Merlin etc.

'Who's the better kisser? Arthur, Gwen or Merlin?'

When Lancelot is in earshot, say loudly to the person next to you 'I'm so glad that Lancelot never made it as a knight... He's been flirting way too much with Arthur- I mean Gwen.'

Say 'You know, Lancelot, you'd suit the name Lorraine much better...' Teach this nickname to everyone in Camelot, especially Gwen.

Stick a sign saying 'Lancelot's bitch' on Arthur, Merlin and Gwen. Then when people ask him and he denies it, say loudly 'That's not what I heard from Gwen/Arthur/Merlin last night...'

Say 'When Uther said you weren't worthy of a knighthood, he meant you were worthy of something else...' Raise eyebrows suggestively.

Scream at him, with everyone in earshot ideally, 'Lancelot, how could you cheat on Arthur with his own father!' Tape Gwen's reaction.

Tell him that Gwen is pregnant. Watch him get excited and then say 'Oh, by the way, she said it wasn't yours.' Lancelot's face = Priceless.

Say, 'Wow, Lancelot, first a love triangle, then you sleep with a slut? God, no wonder Uther denied you knighthood...'

Call him 'Prancey Lancey' or 'Lancey boy'

Give him a pink tutu and say 'Uther wants to see you in his chambers.' Shrug. 'He said something about personal role play...'

When he refuses, say 'And Uther had so set his hopes on you... he was right, you're not worthy of a knighthood.' Run five miles. Fast.

Greet him by mimicking Uther's harsh words- 'You're not worthy of the knighthood bestowed upon you, you never were and you never will be.'

Get Arthur and Lancelot to duel for Merlin's hand in marriage.

When Gwen sees this, tape her reaction and hand her a mace. Let Gwen do the rest. Oh, and make sure Merlin is a safe distance away.

When Lancelot is battered up by Gwen from the previous, ask him if it turns him on having Merlin bandage his wounds. Make sure Gwen is in earshot.

Ask Merlin the same question but before he answers, say 'Don't answer that... we all know who you're in love with...' Gesture to Arthur. Watch Lancelot's reaction.

Ask him, 'Lancelot, is it true you only wanted to be a knight because you like the idea of holding a sword?'

When he answers no, tell him 'Aw, poor little Lancey is in Egypt... he's in denial!'

Get someone to stab him in the leg.

Comment on the previous, with everyone in earshot 'Anyone got a towel?'

When he starts to curse and get furious with you, shout 'I need some chocolate- stat!'

'I will die with faith in my heart.' Faith in what? Certainly not god, 'cause you've been a very bad boy...

Set up a 'We love Merthur' club and trick Lancelot into joining. Show evidence to Gwen and hand her a mace. Prepare for repeat of 21.

Repeat 26 every week.

When he finally dies of blood loss, get Merlin to give him the 'kiss of life'. When he comes back from the dead, scream 'Sorcerer' and point at Lancelot. Watch Uther's reaction and video it. Put video on you-tube.

When he's in the dungeons, ask him 'Aw, you imagining Arthur and Merlin chaining you up? Filthy little sorcerer...'

When he denies being a sorcerer, say 'That's what you would say if you were a sorcerer, wouldn't you?' Take a photo of his confused face.

When Merlin tries to help him escape, foil any attempts Merlin makes.

Tell him that the whole 'being honourable to the kingdom' is taken by Arthur and tell him to get a new sob story for Gwen.

Tell him his hairstyle is so last season. Ideally with Gwen in earshot so he becomes more self conscious.

Say 'Changing your hair doesn't mean you're any less gay, Lancey.'

Make a rhyme about him and teach it to the whole kingdom, including Gwen and Uther.

Sing 'Lancey is a gay lord! Oh, wait! He's not a knight, so he's not a lord! Lancey is gay!'

Say 'You know, if Gwen and Merlin hadn't pitied you, Arthur wouldn't even know you exist.'

Add to the previous 'And Uther wouldn't have known what he was missing out on... oh no wait... yes he would. Never mind.'

Get posters saying 'Lancey likes to be molested by elder men!' and stick them up all around Camelot.

Say 'If being eaten alive didn't turn you on enough... Then Gwen sooo needs to find a manlier guy.'

Jump out in front of a griffin and shout 'Lancey, save me!'

When he doesn't, shout 'I always knew you weren't worthy! Arthur, save me!'

Get badges with 'Lancey is a twit' printed on them and trick Gwen into wearing one. Watch Lancelot's reaction.

Say 'Hey Lancey, got you an appointment with Jerry Springer.' Refuse to elaborate. Force him to go.

When he comes back, say 'Seeing Arthur and Merlin bitch fighting...must have been hell to sit through...' smile 'innocently'.

' Uh-oh! Someone has some mummy issues!' Make sure Lancelot is in earshot. Make sure Arthur is fifteen miles away.


End file.
